in

The 10 Asshole Cyclists You Will Meet That Ruins It For the Rest of Cyclists

“Hey, I’m cycling here. Jerk!”

We like cycling at Joyenergizer with at least two staff who ride on a regular basis.

We can’t help but notice there are a lot of jerks on the road though! We aren’t just talking about bad drivers here, but other cyclists.

These are the type of cyclists that give other cyclists a bad name.

The Cyclists with the Headcam

There is nothing wrong with an action camera attached to you or your bike whilst cycling because it’s a great way of not only recording journeys, but protecting yourself against shitty bad drivers that are on the road. I’m talking about the jerks who go out of their way to pick a fight with motorists and then wonder why they get a smack in the face. They are all over YouTube. If you want to do something about bad drivers join the police force!

The Full Kit Wankers

Look how aerodynamic I am! These guys are the ones who wear the full Tour de France or Team Sky kit every time they go out on the bike. It doesn’t matter that their beer belly is bulging out of the jersey they want us to think they are a pro in training.

The Cyclists That Run Red Lights

These scumbags are the number one reason that motorists have a beef about cyclists. The dickheads that run red lights like they don’t mean anything to them. Red lights mean stop to every vehicle on the road you t**t and you are justing giving motorists more fodder for hating us even more!

The Strava Asshole

I stopped using Strava a long time ago because it’s full of assholes. These are the ones that are riding like a lunatic on our roads and not giving a damn about other cyclists. Ooooh, look I’m ‘King of the Mountain’. Unless you’re a pro it’s hard nowadays to keep high up on a popular routes leaderboard. When you do finally manage to get a decent time on a segment some prick beats it within a few hours because they can’t stand losing. The main reason I stopped using it was because I finally managed to get top on a segment I rode daily and some asshole got my time blocked because they said I was cheating. Strava without any evidence deleted my time and then reinstated theirs. I’ve never used the app again and it can kiss my shiny saddle riding ass!

The Cyclists That Ride on Pavements

It’s dangerous as f**k to other pedestrians enough said. If you hit a pedestrian whilst cycling on a non-cycle path you’d instantly be in the wrong even if it wasn’t your faulty. But sometimes you still get moaned at for riding on the road too with the odd motorist shouting “get on the cycle path”. There is actually no obligation to ride on a cycle path over a road though so they can f**k right off!

Electric BIkes

These are an abomination. Enough said!

The Cyclists That Don’t Wear Helmets

You see it all the time. A cyclist with a £1000 mountain bike, branded cycle top, pads and shorts, but they still don’t wear a helmet. I know a guy who works in construction who cycles to work without a helmet, but puts a hard hat on when he gets to work. Madness! See previous post on why it’s important to wear a helmet.

The Knackered Bike Cyclists

There is nothing worse than seeing a sorry-looking bike whiz past you. The ones that squeal past because they need the chain lubing and the brakes checking. They usually have semi-flat tyres and the seat too low and they are usually a £100 supermarket full suspension monstrosity in silver and purple.

The Fairweather Cyclists

These are the guys who are always talking about how they are a cyclist to everyone. They’ve paid a fortune for a road bike or mountain bike, but they’d be lucky if they use it more than ten times that year. When they actually do get out on the bike because the weather is nice then do they let everyone know by posting their ride stats on social media.

People on Quirky Bikes

I’m talking about those shitty lie-down recumbent bikes or weird one-gear hipster town bikes that come in bright colours and complete with a flower holder. Stop it now!

No Lights

Like the helmet, bike lights were invented for a reason. It keeps you safe and motorists can see you on the road. If you are a tight bastard then you only have to look in Poundland or Amazon they literally cost f**k all nowadays!

Fat Tyres

I could understand if people road these bikes on the dirt or sand, but I always see them in urban environments and they look absolutely ridiculous!

Written by Robert De Zero

Joyenergizer Pop Culture Journalist

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

38 Funny Pub Signs To Get You Through the Door

You’ll Believe Magic Does Exist with These Fantastic Unicorn Milkshakes