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10 Things That Really Suck – Vol. 1

So here are 10 really fuckin’ annoying things…

When you get older you get more cynical and things start to annoy you more.

In the UK we have a TV show called Room 101 where ‘celebrity’ guests have to choose three things that really bug them, which they can drop into Room 101.

Well, I got greedy and I chose 10 things, although to be honest I could easily have listed 1001!

So here are 10 really fuckin’ annoying things…

1. The Kardashians


Let’s start off with the Kardashians.

This section was actually going to be about Celebrities who are famous for shit reasons, but while researching for section I found that this family just keept popping up. I suppose they are an easy target. You only have to start to Google the phrase “why are the..” and the first suggested search brings up these fuckers for you!

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The Kardashians. Aren’t they really, really annoying? Of course they are (is the right answer), but what are they originally famous for in the first place?

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Well, in the the mid-90s, the late Robert Kardashian became famous because he was BFF with OJ ‘Juice’ Simpson and was on the legal team who helped with the case that eventually managed to get that complete psychopath off on the most heinous of crimes!

Robert Kardashian of course was the father of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Robert Jnr and seemed like a nice decent guy in real-life and during those times in the 90s where he was in the limelight he tried to shield his children away from the media and spotlight.

That story all died down and Rob Kardashian died of lung cancer in 2003 at the age of 59. Everyone was busy getting on with their lives and nobody gave a shit about the Kardashians any more. Then in 2007 these oxygen wasters get catapulted back into the limelight again along with their half sisters and step dad (who is now a woman) because of a leaked sex tape of old big ass herself – Kim Kardashian with her then boyfriend Ray J. They get their own show Keeping up with the Kardashians and the rest sadly is history. Ever since all of them are self-absorbed, media hungry, product selling, selfie sharing douche bags that we can’t get rid of!

I don’t know which one of them is the worst: self-absorbed Kim Kardashian and her fuckwit egotistical husband Kanye West, Kylie Jenner for wanting to trademark the name ‘Kylie’, or Caitlin Jenner (formally Bruce) for killing people with reckless driving and still achieving Glamour Magazines Woman of the Year award, when they aren’t even a real woman either. They were rightly stripped of the title soon after!

2. The Government


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Let’s just get one thing straight right now. Politicians and the government lie. They lie all the time. Lies here. Lies there. Lies all over the place!

They tell the voters the things they will do, and things they will change. Things they won’t change and things that they will make better if you vote for them. All fucking lies.

If anybody else in any other profession lied as much as a politician they’d be struck off or taken to court.

They tax everything they can get away with. They are the biggest thieves out there. They take it out on the poor and the people they know more than likely didn’t vote for them. They should be chasing the fat cats and the big corporations who avoid paying taxes. If they managed to claw back the tax owed by these bastards then the country wouldn’t even be in a deficit.

The politicians in the UK claim ridiculous amounts of money for their expenses too. They get a free house in London. One of the most expensive places in the world to own a property. A place where they can stay when they have to attend parliament. Any other business would just pay for a hotel room for the nigh or two! What do they buy? A fucking five bedroom mansion. This is to house one politician and maybe his maid!

One politician claimed for the cleaning of his moat and another for a fancy lake house for his ducks. Yes, a fucking fancy ass luxury house for his ducks! We the people paid for this.

3. Movies that show the best parts in the trailers


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You know when you are at the cinema or at home and you see the trailer to an upcoming movie and it just looks amazing and action packed. I refer to this as the ‘Vertical Limit Syndrome’.

I call it this because the first time I noticed this was back in the year 2000 at the cinema and one of the trailers that featured was a movie called Vertical Limit. The advert made it look like an action packed thrill-fest, but in actual fact, I could have just watched the 60 second trailer and seen the only parts worth watching of the whole movie because Vertical Limit really sucked!

4. Rich celebrities telling us to give more money to charity


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I’ll give you three names. Bono, Sting and Chris Martin. Not only are two of these three bozos going under ridiculous names, but they are some of the richest music artists on the planet and also the biggest tax dodgers to boot.

Ever since Band Aid in the 1980s, musicians think they have a right in politics and a say on how to run the world.

How much are they worth? Hundreds of millions. How much do they give to charity? Probably £50,000. Which in my world is like giving a humble £5.00, but apparently I have to give more and more, even though I have to survive on 3000 times less than them.

5. Reality TV & Talent shows


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For a start there are too many. Then they make Z-list celebrity versions of them. Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother, Britain’s Got Talent, The Jump, Great British Bake Off, The Voice, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

Why can’t they make ones like Celebrity Fight Club, where f-list celebrities fight to the death, Battle Zone, where jobless folk are sent to the front line to fight terrorists, or Saw – the Game Show?

One of the worst thing about the talent shows are the judges. They get driven to the show in a limousine and walk out onto the show like they are some kind of demi-god.

Simon Cowell is absolutely the worst for this. A guy who’s ego is so big that it lifts his trousers too high! His put downs have become legendary and he’s an arrogant asshole. He takes the piss out of people not just if they can sing or not. but also their appearance. It’s kind of laughable for a for a guy who has to wear high heeled shoes to make him self appear taller and having to have the same block shaped hair cut year after year because of having a hair transplant. A guy who seems to not have any top lip, and not to mention the face lifts, botox, and fake veneer teeth. He’s really not interested if you can sing, he’s really interested in how much money he can make off you before you are dropped from the record label. This guy and people like him are the reasons the modern music industry is fucked!

What are these judges famous for anyway and what qualifies them to judge a singing or talent show? Some are minor celebs or manufactured pop stars themselves.

In the UK we’ve had random judge choices in people like Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and even the Hoff! Then they have talent-less people like Amanda Holden judge talent shows and it’s just not on!

They used to have three judges on the panel so people could easily be voted through by a majority decision by the judges. Then they added another judge, so now there are four pointless judges and if two of them vote “yes, and two of them vote “no” then they are stuck!

Even worse are soap opera style reality shows like Jersey Shore, The Only Way is Essex, The Hills and the absolute worst of them all – Geordie Shore! All they do is show a undeserved privileged life where you can act like a cunt and get away with it!

6. Foods that forget to tell us about their true key ingredients


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Smoothies are the main culprits for this. They advertise as raspberry and lime flavour, but actually the main ingredients are banana and apple juice. The smoothie should be named banana and apple with a hint of raspberry and lime!

What I hate the most is onions and peppers. I usually find that these are shoved in everything nowadays. Out shopping, I see a a nice sandwich that advertises itself as Italian Chicken only to fold back the top layer of bread and find sodding onion or pepper in there too. Or a pizza that is displaying itself with a BBQ pulled pork topping and nothing else on the front of the box, only to find there is more onions than pork. Even worse there is also God-awful old man yellow teeth looking sweetcorn shoved in there for good measure, which in my opinion has no right on any pizza. What next? Broccoli in my ?

And another thing why do supermarkets always put peas in their egg fried rice? When I’ve had egg fried from a proper Chinese takeaway or restaurant it does not contain peas!

7. Hollywood remaking every 80’s movie classic because they can


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The 80’s produced some very classic movies and in my opinion, if it ain’t broke do not attempt to fix it (especially with an all-female cast!)

Let us see what they have remade, rebooted or are remaking so far:

Ghostbusters, Robocop, Footloose, Fame, Wargames, Poltergeist, Commando, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Red Dawn, Never Ending Story, The Karate Kid, Police Academy, Flight of the Navigator, Three Men and a Baby, Conan the Barbarian, Fright Night, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13, Evil Dead, Clash of the Titans, and TV shows – The A-Team, 21 Jump Street, Miami Vice & Dukes of Hazard.

It gets worse! They are doing it to 90’s movies too:

Point Break, Jumanji, IT, Cliffhanger. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, mashups movies are happening. They are making a mashup of 21 Jump Street and Men in Black. Yes. WTF?

Newer films aren’t safe either. Films just from a few years ago are getting remade too, because how many sodding reboots of Spider-man can we take?

8. Food companies having to change the ingredients of our favourite food


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Just because some fatties can’t handle their food and eat like there’s no tomorrow, which then causes a drain on the health system because they demand surgery and liposuction. It doesn’t mean the rest of us have to suffer!

In 2003 an American douche bag documentary maker named Morgan Spurlock made a docu-film called Super-Size Me, where he decided that he would conduct an experiment where he would only eat McDonald’s food for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for 30 days, do no exercise and interview only fat people or people with only half a brain.

It’s a bit of a non-brainer really, but he found out it wasn’t that healthy for you. Derp!

So, in turn old Mr Golden Arches McDonald’s decided to pull the plug on Super Size meals once and for all and spoil it for the rest of us who can eat and think at the same time!

Another douche bag is British chef Jamie Oliver who recently campaigned and won to tax sugary soft drinks in the UK even though the soft drinks industry was the food sector who had successfully reduced the most amount of sugar in its products.

Previously, in 2005 he was fighting the schools over the quality of dinners they provide, because apparently they weren’t serving enough focaccia bread, quinoa, olive oil and truffles in the school lunch time for his kids (Maybe!)

9. Countries bastardising the English language


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I’m not against the USA at all. I love the country and would gladly move there tomorrow if I could. It’s a brilliant country, but it really bugs me when I get a new gadget or install some new software and have to select the language, I can only choose English (US) or sometimes referred to as Simplified English!

Sometimes when you have to choose a language they have a countries flag next to the language selection and the most infuriating thing is seeing the only selection for ‘English’ is followed by an American flag and not a British Union flag. It’s a big insult! I want to choose English (UK) British). I want to spell color as colour, realize as realise and center as centre!

It’s not just the spelling. It’s the pronunciation.

  • Car’mel for Caramel
  • Mob’l for Mobile
  • Crag for Craig
  • Nuculur for Nuclear
  • Aluminum for Aluminium
  • Zee -For the letter Z (zed)

10. Freemium Games and Apps


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In the old days of smartphone and tablet apps and games you either got free games or paid games. If you paid for a game then that was it, a one-off price and the game is all yours forever and ever with free updates.

One of the first games I brought for my iPhone was Angry Birds. I paid 79p and I loved it, I still do, although I couldn’t tell you the last time I played it, but I still keep it on my phone because it’s still a great game to play if you have a spare 10 minutes. The game still gets updated regularly with new levels and fixes all for free and it’s great. Angry Birds 2 on the other hand is a whole different story. It costs nothing to download, but it’s limited, to get anywhere you have to buy add-ons and packs and the lives and tries for the day are limited. It’s bollocks! It’s the same story with Plants vs Zombies and its sequel.

Games that require me to pay between £1 – £100 just to advance a bit further is not a game for me.

They also want me to login in to Facebook and post about my status in the game just to gain more energy or playtime and it is shit. Share your results on Facebook now for 15 more volts of energy so you can continue to grow your crops on your shitty little farm!

That’s it, keep posting updates about the game on Facebook and sending those game requests too, so friends can play. We can all play together and spend more money, together. The only problem is that you’ve pissed off all your friends with constant Clash of Angry Candy Farm Saga* requests that now they’ve all unfriended you!

Just let me pay for a game once, even if it is £2.99 and let me be!

*Not a real game!

Written by Jake

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Nando's Ambassador and resident blogger for Opinion Machine & Digital Art Mix

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