There are films that ask profound questions about the human condition. There are films that explore love, loss and the nature of existence. And then there is Chopping Mall, a cinematic masterpiece that asks:“What if a shopping centre hired three angry wheelie bins with lasers and absolutely no emotional intelligence?”
The plot begins with a shopping mall installing robot security guards to keep everyone safe. Naturally, this is the 1980s, so management immediately concludes that the best way to protect property is to hand deadly weapons to machines that look like they were assembled from leftover washing machine parts. A lightning strike then causes the robots to malfunction, proving once and for all that every technological advancement eventually becomes a murder hobby.
What follows is essentially an HR training video directed by a man who had consumed six cans of Cherry Coke and lost a bet. A group of teenagers become trapped overnight in the mall and discover that the robots have reinterpreted “customer service” as “aggressive extermination”. It’s refreshing to see machines that understand modern retail management so completely.
The robots themselves are magnificent. They move at roughly the speed of an elderly tortoise reversing up a gentle incline, yet somehow remain a terrifying threat. Every scene becomes an accidental fitness test. If you’ve ever wondered whether you could outrun a mobility scooter powered by pure malice, Chopping Mall has the answer. The answer is apparently “not always”.
The dialogue deserves special recognition. Nobody behaves as though they are being hunted by killer robots. They behave like people who have missed the last bus and are mildly annoyed about it. Entire conversations occur while death hovers nearby, which feels remarkably similar to a Monday morning Teams meeting. Panic levels remain impressively low throughout. Even the robots seem surprised by this.
And let’s talk about the title. Chopping Mall is perhaps the most misleading film title ever created. There is very little chopping. If anything, it should have been called Mildly Zapping Mall or Laser Robots Having A Difficult Evening. Yet somehow this only adds to its charm. The title makes a promise it has no intention of keeping, much like half the electronics shops that once occupied real shopping centres.
Best of all, the film captures a beautiful moment in history when shopping malls were viewed as futuristic utopias. Today, a high street shopping centre contains three vape stores, a nail salon and a mysterious unit that’s been “Coming Soon” since 2017. In Chopping Mall, the future meant gleaming escalators, advanced robotics and state-of-the-art computer systems. Granted, those systems immediately attempted mass murder, but optimism counts for something.
By the end, you’ll find yourself rooting for both the humans and the robots. The humans because, despite making every bad decision available to them, they’re oddly likeable. The robots because they’re simply trying to do their jobs in an economy that offers limited career progression for homicidal appliances.
In conclusion, Chopping Mall is not just a film. It’s a glorious monument to 1980s excess, questionable technological confidence and the belief that shopping centres represented humanity’s final evolutionary form. It is ridiculous, charming, unintentionally hilarious and somehow impossible not to love. Five stars. One star for each terrifying possibility that your local Tesco security scanner is merely waiting for a lightning strike.
