Nation immediately retrieves six years of opinions from storage
Britain has been placed on heightened alert after it emerged that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the UK, forcing millions of people to suddenly remember exactly why they were furious in 2020.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are reportedly preparing to return to Britain with their children, six years after dramatically leaving the country in search of privacy, peace and apparently several hundred hours of television content about why they left the country.
The announcement has sent shockwaves through the nation.
Within minutes, newspaper editors reportedly smashed open glass cabinets marked BREAK IN CASE OF SUSSEX, while royal commentators who had finally begun seeing their families again were urgently recalled to television studios.
One commentator was reportedly discovered underneath a desk at GB News whispering:
“Not again. I can’t do another six years.”
Britain Reacts Normally
News of the return has divided the country into its traditional two camps:
People who are absolutely furious about Harry and Meghan.
And people who are absolutely furious about people being furious about Harry and Meghan.
A smaller third group, consisting of approximately 61 million people, responded:
“Oh. Right.”
before continuing to make a cup of tea.
Nevertheless, newspapers have warned that the Sussexes’ arrival could create unprecedented levels of British tutting.
Residents near their rumoured new home have already begun preparing by twitching curtains approximately 40% more aggressively.
One local resident told Joyenergizer:
“I’ve got nothing against them whatsoever.
“Obviously, I will be monitoring the bins.”
California Lifestyle Faces Difficult British Transition
Experts warn Meghan may face a period of adjustment after exchanging California sunshine for the traditional British lifestyle of looking out of the window at 3:45pm and saying:
“Bloody hell, it’s dark.”
Her transition back into British society is expected to involve several major cultural adjustments, including discovering that an £8 smoothie is considered a criminal offence outside certain parts of London.
She may also have to reacquaint herself with British wellness traditions, such as:
- putting the kettle on
- complaining about your back
- eating half a packet of biscuits without acknowledging it
- saying “we needed the rain” after 11 consecutive days of rain
- walking around a National Trust property while quietly judging the scones
There are also concerns about whether Harry, after years in California, will still possess the necessary survival instincts for British life.
These include remembering that shorts are acceptable at 14°C provided you’ve “committed to it”, and understanding that when somebody says:
“We’ll have to get together sometime,”
there is absolutely no intention whatsoever of getting together sometime.
Royal Family Reportedly Updates WhatsApp Group
Sources say Buckingham Palace has been preparing for the return by conducting extensive diplomatic negotiations, revising security arrangements and creating a new Royal Family WhatsApp group entitled:
Family Chat FINAL FINAL 3 — NO SCREENSHOTS PLEASE
King Charles is believed to have welcomed the prospect of seeing more of his son and grandchildren.
Prince William’s response is unknown, although palace insiders report that somebody has recently changed the Netflix password.
Nobody is saying who.
The atmosphere between the brothers is expected to remain cordial, with royal experts predicting they will eventually meet at a family event, shake hands and conduct the most British reconciliation imaginable:
“Alright?”
“Yeah. You?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
Relations will then officially be described by newspapers as significantly improved.
Netflix Executives Confused
Meanwhile, executives in California are reportedly trying to establish whether Harry and Meghan moving back to Britain means the entire thing has technically become a reboot.
One producer has already pitched:
Harry & Meghan: Back Where It All Went Horribly Wrong
The eight-part documentary would reportedly follow the couple adjusting to British life.
Episode One: We Need Coats
Episode Two: Why Is Everything Closed After 4pm?
Episode Three: Meghan Discovers Greggs
Episode Four: Harry Attempts the M25
Episode Five: Someone From the Daily Mail Is In That Hedge
Episode Six: The Neighbour Has Put Their Bin Out on the Wrong Day
Episode Seven: William Has Left the Family WhatsApp
Episode Eight: Perhaps Portugal Was Nice
Newspapers Enter State of Ecstasy
Nobody, however, is happier about the development than Britain’s newspaper industry.
After six years of writing approximately 74,000 articles about a couple who lived 5,000 miles away, journalists are reportedly delighted that they will soon be considerably closer.
One newspaper executive described the move as:
“Christmas, Easter, the World Cup and a motorway service station WHSmith meal deal all happening simultaneously.”
Several newspapers are understood to have cancelled annual leave until 2031.
Headline generators have already been switched back on, producing early possibilities including:
MEGHAN’S SECRET SUPERMARKET TRIP
HARRY ORDERS DELIVEROO: PALACE IN CRISIS
EXCLUSIVE: MEGHAN CLOSES CURTAINS AT 7:43PM
and
ROYAL SHOCK AS WOMAN LEAVES HOUSE WEARING COAT
At least three 900-word investigations into Meghan’s choice of recycling bin are expected before Christmas.
Government Issues Guidance
Downing Street has urged the public to remain calm.
Official guidance states that anyone encountering Harry or Meghan should behave normally and avoid immediately launching into a 45-minute explanation of why they either completely support or intensely dislike them.
Britons are also reminded that seeing Harry in Waitrose does not legally require you to photograph him buying hummus.
The Department for Transport has meanwhile confirmed that no special arrangements will be made for Harry’s return.
“He will experience the M25 like everybody else,” a spokesperson said.
“There are limits to privilege.”
Nation Prepares for Most British Outcome Possible
Despite years of documentaries, interviews, memoirs, arguments, reconciliation rumours, royal experts, body-language experts, constitutional experts and people named Ingrid appearing on breakfast television from rooms containing suspicious quantities of commemorative china, Britain may ultimately discover something shocking.
Harry and Meghan might simply move here.
Live in a house.
Take the children to school.
Go shopping.
Complain about potholes.
Forget which week the recycling goes out.
And slowly become ordinary British residents who occasionally stand in the kitchen staring at the thermostat wondering whether putting the heating on in September represents financial surrender.
Which would be deeply disappointing.
Because Britain has already cleared its diary.
The commentators are seated.
The newspapers are ready.
The commemorative mugs are being printed.
And somewhere in a television studio, a royal expert has just been handed a microphone and asked the question this country apparently cannot resist:
“But what does this mean for William?”
God help us all.
This article is satire. Mostly. The bit about the M25 is deadly serious.
