Across the world, millions of people are waiting for Grand Theft Auto VI with the nervous excitement normally reserved for weddings, royal births and finding out whether the strange noise coming from the boiler is going to cost £80 or £8,000.
For years, Rockstar Games has released tiny crumbs of information while fans study each one like archaeologists examining a newly discovered fragment of the Dead Sea Scrolls.
A blurry screenshot appears online and within seven minutes somebody on YouTube has uploaded a 48-minute video titled:
“GTA 6 SCREENSHOT CONFIRMS WORKING SUPERMARKET TROLLEYS, DYNAMIC PIGEON ECONOMY AND POSSIBLE RETURN OF ROMAN BELLIC.”
The video will contain three minutes of actual information, 12 minutes explaining why you should subscribe, and half an hour of a man circling a lamppost with a red arrow.
Society Is Making Preparations
Employers are already bracing themselves for the largest outbreak of mysterious illness since the invention of paid sick leave.
On release day, thousands of workers are expected to wake up suffering from “severe headaches”, “stomach problems” and “a sudden family emergency involving Vice City”.
Managers will receive messages such as:
Hi, sorry, I won’t be in today. My nan has fallen through a dynamic destructible balcony and I need to complete several story missions before visiting hours end.
GP surgeries may be asked to issue fit notes confirming that patients are temporarily unable to work due to “open-world fatigue”.
Schools are also preparing for a dramatic fall in attendance, particularly among pupils whose parents are mysteriously using the television from 6 a.m. onwards.
Relationships Will Be Tested
Couples are being advised to have difficult conversations before the game arrives.
Important topics include:
- Who gets the main television?
- Is it acceptable to pause date night to steal a speedboat?
- Does “I’ll come to bed after this mission” legally constitute a promise?
- At what point does spending six hours customising a virtual car become emotional infidelity?
Relationship counsellors predict the phrase “You care more about that game than you do about me” will be followed by the traditional response:
“No I don’t. Also, could you move slightly? You’re blocking the minimap.”
Some players have already warned partners that they may be unavailable for several weeks.
“I’ve explained to my wife that this is an important cultural moment,” said one man while ordering a gaming chair with built-in cup holders, lumbar support and enough LED lighting to land a passenger aircraft.
“She said our anniversary is the same week, which is unfortunate scheduling on her part.”
The Hardware Panic Has Begun
Gamers are currently staring suspiciously at their consoles and televisions, wondering whether they are sufficiently powerful to render a stolen sports car crashing through a beachfront café at 4K resolution.
People who were perfectly happy with their entertainment setup six months ago are now saying things like:
“The black levels aren’t quite deep enough for an authentic nighttime police chase.”
Electronics retailers are preparing special finance packages allowing customers to spread the cost of a new television across the remaining years of their natural life.
Gaming PCs, meanwhile, are being upgraded with cooling systems normally found inside nuclear power stations.
One enthusiast reportedly spent £4,000 on a graphics card before discovering that the game had not yet been announced for his preferred platform.
He described the experience as “part of the journey”.
Every Detail Will Be Analysed
Once the game arrives, players will completely ignore the main storyline and immediately begin testing whether they can:
- Enter every building.
- Rob a petrol station while wearing flip-flops.
- Follow a random pedestrian for nine hours.
- Throw objects at an alligator.
- Drive legally and obey every traffic light.
- Discover what happens if they stand in the sea for three consecutive days.
There will be complaints if the game does not realistically simulate every aspect of human civilisation.
A fan might write:
“Very disappointing. I entered a restaurant at 10:57 a.m. and they served the lunch menu, even though the sign clearly says lunch begins at 11. Completely ruined the immersion. 2/10.”
Another will demand to know why their character cannot purchase a semi-detached property, apply for planning permission and spend four months arguing with the local authority over a conservatory.
The Internet Will Become Unbearable
Social media will be divided into several groups.
The first group will declare it the greatest game ever made approximately eleven seconds after the title screen appears.
The second group will call it an unforgivable disaster because a palm tree moved strangely during a cutscene.
The third group will upload videos titled “GTA 6 IS DEAD” every day for the next decade while continuing to play it for eight hours each evening.
There will also be people announcing that they are “boycotting” the game before purchasing the most expensive edition, the season pass, a branded hoodie and a replica license plate.
Within 24 hours, somebody will complete the entire story.
Within 48 hours, somebody will discover a hidden room beneath the map.
Within 72 hours, a child will defeat an entire police department using nothing but a bicycle and a traffic cone.
Parents Remain Confused
Parents who purchased GTA V for their children in 2013 may now discover those children are adults with mortgages, lower-back pain and children of their own.
Some families will experience a historic generational moment as fathers and sons argue over whose turn it is to play.
“I bought the console,” the father will say.
“Yes, but I know how the controller works,” the son will reply.
Grandparents will wander into living rooms, watch five seconds of gameplay and ask whether it is “that Fortnite thing”.
The Release Will Briefly Unite Humanity
For one glorious moment, the world may come together.
Political arguments will pause. Football rivalries will be forgotten. Strangers will help one another find hidden weapons, rare vehicles and the quickest way to lose a five-star wanted level.
Then online mode will launch and a twelve-year-old will destroy everyone with a flying motorbike purchased using his mother’s debit card.
Civilisation will immediately collapse again.
Still, the anticipation continues.
People wait. Consoles hum. Annual leave is quietly booked. Relationships are placed under strain. YouTube thumbnails grow increasingly desperate.
And somewhere, deep inside Rockstar Games, a developer is probably adjusting the animation of a bin bag while knowing that millions of grown adults are depending on them for happiness.
No pressure.
