According to movies from the 1980s, the future was going to be incredible.
We would commute in flying cars, receive assistance from loyal robots and wear silver jumpsuits while eating nutritionally complete pills.
Instead, we have 37 passwords, printers that sense fear and refrigerators connected to the internet for reasons nobody has successfully explained.
The future arrived.
It simply ignored most of the instructions.
Flying Cars
Flying cars were the most important promise.
Every futuristic city had six lanes of airborne traffic moving smoothly between glowing skyscrapers. Nobody appeared worried about engine failure, midair collisions or finding a parking space on the 73rd floor.
We still drive on roads.
Some of those roads have potholes large enough to contain smaller roads.
Considering how many people struggle to operate a shopping cart safely, perhaps placing the average commuter 2,000 feet above the ground was never an ideal plan.
Hoverboards
We were promised sleek boards that floated effortlessly above the pavement.
What we received was a wheeled device that beeps, wobbles and causes nearby adults to say, “Please be careful.”
A true hoverboard wouldn’t need wheels. It would glide over sidewalks, water and all the responsibilities you were supposed to handle that afternoon.
Modern technology can send a spacecraft beyond Earth, but apparently lifting a teenager four inches above a driveway remains unreasonable.
Robot Butlers
The robot butler was supposed to cook dinner, clean the house and politely announce that guests had arrived.
Today’s home assistant can set a timer.
Usually.
You say, “Set a timer for 20 minutes.”
It responds, “Playing ‘Twenty Minutes of Relaxing Jungle Sounds.’”
You try again.
It orders twelve pounds of birdseed.
The robot uprising may still happen, but it will begin because somebody asked for the living-room lights to be dimmed.
Meals in Pill Form
Future citizens never cooked.
They swallowed one tiny pill containing an entire roast dinner and continued with their important space business.
This seemed efficient, although deeply disappointing. Nobody has ever finished a vitamin and said, “Compliments to the chef.”
Instead of food pills, we developed meal-delivery apps that let us pay $38 to have a sandwich travel across town in the passenger seat of a stranger’s sedan.
Progress has many forms.
Some arrive with a service fee.
Self-Drying Clothes
Future fashion was supposed to be intelligent.
Clothes would adjust to the weather, dry themselves and possibly announce whether we looked good.
Our clothes still require washing, drying, folding and several days of resting on a chair before being transferred to the closet.
We did invent performance fabric that “wicks moisture,” which sounds futuristic until you realise it means your shirt is sweating more efficiently than you are.
Personal Jetpacks
The personal jetpack was another essential part of future transportation.
You would strap on a compact engine, rise gracefully into the sky and fly directly to work.
Nobody in the movies spent 45 minutes looking for a charger.
Nobody accidentally activated the jetpack inside a garage.
Nobody arrived at the office with smoke coming out of their pants.
Today’s backpack contains a laptop, three charging cables, an empty water bottle and a receipt you’ve been carrying since February.
It doesn’t fly, but lifting it occasionally feels like an aerospace test.
Friendly Talking Cars
Movie cars had personality.
They offered useful advice, detected danger and formed meaningful relationships with their drivers.
Modern cars also talk, but mostly to criticise us.
“Door open.”
“Seat belt not fastened.”
“Object detected.”
“Lane departure.”
“Icy conditions possible.”
The car has become a nervous passenger who never offers gas money.
It knows the tire pressure in real time but still cannot explain where that mysterious rattling noise is coming from.
Video Phones
The movies actually got video calling right.
Unfortunately, they assumed we would use it for glamorous conversations from futuristic offices.
Instead, we use it for meetings in which six people say, “You’re on mute.”
The cameras are high-definition, yet every call begins with someone appearing as a giant forehead.
We can speak face-to-face with anyone on the planet, but we spend most of the conversation staring at our own tiny picture and quietly adjusting our hair.
Technology conquered distance.
It did not conquer vanity.
Holograms
By now, holograms were supposed to appear everywhere.
Doctors would examine three-dimensional organs. Generals would study floating maps. Important leaders would deliver urgent messages through shimmering blue projections.
The closest most of us get is selecting a virtual background that makes it appear we’re taking a meeting from a beach.
The background works perfectly until your hand disappears into the ocean.
Smart Houses
The futuristic home would recognise its owner, prepare breakfast and adjust every room automatically.
Our smart homes require seven separate apps.
One controls the lights. One controls the thermostat. One controls the doorbell. Another controls a single electrical outlet you bought during a sale and no longer remember how to connect.
Eventually, the internet goes down and you discover that turning on a lamp now requires technical support.
The old light switch may not have been intelligent, but it understood its assignment.
Computers That Understand Everything
Movie computers instantly understood complicated questions.
“Computer, locate the missing spacecraft.”
“Spacecraft located.”
Modern computers require us to prove we’re human by identifying every square containing part of a traffic light.
The computer doesn’t trust us.
We don’t trust the computer.
Together, we spend the afternoon resetting a password that “cannot be the same as any of your previous passwords.”
The machines didn’t take over with lasers.
They took over by making us accept updated terms and conditions.
Where Is Our Shiny Future?
The future imagined by ’80s movies was bright, dramatic and covered in neon.
Our real future is impressive in quieter ways. We carry tiny computers, stream almost any movie instantly and receive packages containing objects we ordered while half asleep.
But there are still no flying cars, robot butlers or dependable hoverboards.
Apparently, the movies misunderstood what people truly wanted.
They predicted jetpacks.
They should have predicted a charger that works with everything.
