So you think that summer is the best season do you? Well…. you’re wrong And I’m going to prove it!
People always rave on about summer. “Ooh summer is coming, I can’t wait”. Screw Summer! As soon as I mention to anyone that I hate summer people look at me like I’ve stormed into their house and pissed on their kids!
To fully explain why I hate this overrated sweaty disappointment of a season I’ve compiled a list…
The Damn Heat
Let’s start with the obvious, the heat generated from that giant ball of shit we call the Sun. Yeah, you Sun, I’m taking about you, f**k you! It’s so damn hot, it burns and we bow down to it even though it gives us cancer. We have to protect ourselves from its fearsome glow with overpriced sunscreen and get upset when it’s burning rays are not there not trying to kill us. Why do people think just because it’s hot outside it’s a good thing?
They’d soon be moaning if it was 30+ degrees Celsius outside all year round. Have you seen these famine struck countries? The only good thing about the sun is that things look a lot brighter and if you’re white, you can get a nice tan. That’s if you don’t go red and look like a lobster! What the hell do you wear anyway when its boiling outside?
Which brings us on to…
Knowing what to wear or not to wear. The problem with wearing hardly anything is that I have nowhere to put my phone, car keys, wallet and any spare change I have on me.
No matter what you wear you’ll aways feel hot and sweaty. Life would be great for us all if we had toned bodies, but if you feel a bit of self-consciousness about your body you dread wearing anything too revealing.
Then this happens…
Assholes with their shirts off
Oh look it’s summer time and there is an aroma of manufactured fragrance in the air. Can that be The smell of Axe (Lynx in UK) the Febreze for dickheads? Pale skinny guys with their tops off, not understanding that malnutrition is not a sign of being toned!
Feeling the pressure to do something
Oh, it’s sunny we must go out and do something fun and interesting because we have to. This will probably lead to a jam-packed highway or a jam-packed theme park which are both unbearable. and let’s not talk about the prices…
The Inflated prices
Holidays and accommodation, funfairs, theme parks and ice cream vans, the prices for all these will sky rocket in the summer season. It would be a lot easier to empty your bank account from the nearest ATM and throw the notes in a fire!
If you have young kids then summers can be a nightmare. We’ve mentioned the overpriced activities when the schools are out, but you’ll end up spending lots of time hanging around playgrounds and taking your kids places. Don’t be silly, the summer isn’t about you it’s about kids. How dare you be so selfish!
Summer isn’t magical as when you were a kid
Remember the endless summers when you were growing up? They felt like they’d go on forever. They were magical but now you’re all grown up they aren’t as great anymore. You can’t go on a coming of age adventure, walking down the railway tracks and camping out all to find a dead body of a missing boy any more!
Everybody is out
Everybody feels they have to be out in the nice weather. Usually some of these assholes only venture outside in their garden to have a smoke, but now it’s a bit warm they’re out every night.
Garden parties, annoying kids in their gardens or worse… on the streets, whizzing past on their bikes or rumbling along on their scooters or skateboards.
Oh, look it’s hot outside why don’t we cook outside too? Tell you what let’s move the whole house outside too. The TV, the toilet and bath too.
The worst part of people being out is the f**king noise. Kids screaming, shitty stereos on and wankers laughing and talking shit. It’s the absolute worse and do you know what the worse sound in the history of the world is? A football being kicked against a wall!
Fking flies, fking mosquitoes, fking spiders, fking ants and for the love of God f**king flying ants, enough said!
There really should be some regulation on pricing for these companies who have us by the balls!
It’s sickening to see that sunscreen companies are charging a premium for their cheap AF to make product. It’s one of those products that we all should be using to keep safe in the sun but some of these companies are charging a premium for a small bottle. It’s really insane!
People moaning about the weather
“Oh I like it hot, but I don’t like it this hot!” You can’t win because people moan when it’s cold and as soon as it’s hot they still be moaning.
There will always be those smelly people out and they’ll walk past you in the supermarket with a waugh of BO and you can still smell them 5 minutes after they’ve gone. You can guarantee that somebody will then walk down the aisle thinking it’s you that stinks like a smelly tramp.
I don’t mind wearing sunglasses but you can guarantee that you will break or lose them within a fortnight. I’ll be damned if I’m spending $500 on a pair of Ray-Bans!
It’s hot, it’s bright, everybody is trying to get some where because it’s ‘nice’ out. You’ll be stuck in traffic, sweating away somewhere having to listen to other douchebags EDM music vibrating through their aftersales audio systems. But on the other hand all I can say is that driving is a whole lot better than public transport. You find yourself on a bus in this heat and you’re in a world of hurt!
Fair weather Cyclists
The cycling assholes will be out in force clogging up the roads. Those full kit wankers causing traffic on the country roads more so than tractors!
I hate having to sleep with the windows open because of bugs or f**king noise, which we’ve already mentioned but the worst part of trying to sleep in summer is the bloody heat. Even with the fan on its still unbearable. You’ll probably wake up feeling dehydrated like you’ve been boozing all night.
Did we mention the heat?
It’s too hot!
The best place to go in the sun is the beach because it’s free but having to find a spot on the beach where you won’t have to put up with frisbees flying at your head or whining kids is sometimes impossible and don’t get me started about the jellyfish that seem to be everywhere in the sea now.
The Bank Holidays
There will always be a mad rush for the summer bank holiday and you can guarantee the weather will always be shite.
Standing outside a pub
sometimes it’s nice to pop down to the local pub for a crafty pint. If your lucky they may have a beer garden, but if not you’ll end up standing outside with other peoples smoke or vape in your face and some dickhead will always knock over their dark fruit cider.
The kids will want to play outside in the garden. This means having to get out all the garden furniture which has been gathering cobwebs in the shed. The endless amounts of toys such as hot wheels and action figures which you’ll be finding in your flower beds for years to come. The swimming pool will have to come out and will end up lying on the lawn with days old water full of little bits of grass, bugs, hot wheels and the stench of pvc and then leaving a patch of dodgy looking grass underneath when it’s finally put back to rest for another year.
If you’re lucky (or unlucky) enough to get to a festival in the summer, then the music will always sound strange like an echoey thud and you may be luckily enough to make out the band on the stage who look like ants from far back. That’s if you’re lucky enough to see through the sea of people with their phones in the air trying to record the event and people on their spouses shoulders! Stop pretending you like this crap and go home.
Oh, you like feeling wet and sticky with a big wet patch on your back? And oh dear God, the uncomfortable rubbing and chaffing and have you ever tried sitting on a leather seat in the blazing heat? You either slide or stick!
Surely I don’t need to explain why this sucks!
Or this. It’s natures way of f**king with us.
People moaning at you because you dissed summer!
Finally, people get really annoyed if I disrespect summer like I’ve just said something awful about their beloved ‘Sun God’. Surely people know that Autumn is the best month… come on!
Anyway, did I mention that I hated summer?