I was originally going to do this post on ‘Awful Movie Posters’ but then I came across one of these bootleg illustrated posters I just couldn’t stop laughing!
Apparently the country of Ghana has a booming film industry, not in actually producing movies, but screening pirated movies in cinemas.
When you are screening black market copies of blockbusters it’s not easy getting your hands on the posters to advertise these movies. So, what can you do? Well, you hire a local artist to draw them for you, and when I say ‘artist’, I use that word loosely!
So, this is what you get…
The Matrix – I know the Matrix hasn’t got the easiest of story lines that can be described on a movie poster, but this just makes the film look more like some dodgy martial arts film. The characters now only have 3 fingers and a thumb on each hand, Neo is hovering with no legs and Morpheous is clearly missing a shoulder, which maybe is the result of Neo cackhandingly holding his Sai?
Terminator 2 – Looking like a 6 year-olds art project, I can see they really captured Arnie’s image perfectly, and that heart used for the ‘o’ is just sublime. I’m very sure this is the poster that James Cameron would have chosen for T2 if he had had the choice.
Evil Dead 2 – There is a very ‘Van Gogh’ swirly feel to this poster and I can’t help but notice that the woman on the left looks like something straight out of Scooby-Doo. I can see her saying “put ’em up, put ’em up”! Groovy!
Desperado – Obviously, that is supposed to be Banderas, but it more resembles Michael Jackson looking like he’s having some kind of fit while trying to fire his gun with two fingers.
Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior – I really don’t know where to start with what is wrong with this poster. Mel Gibson looks more like a gurning Philip Seymour Hoffman and what can only be described as a denim wearing transvestite Rambo with a bad ass bazooka machine gun.
Eight-Legged Freaks – The movie now having it’s name changed to a more subtle and s#*t scary ‘Spiders’. David Arquette looks more like Rob Schneider trying to balance his own head on his shoulders.
Alien vs Predator – Oh dear! Obviously they couldn’t quite grasp the look of the alien, so decided to go for a more Dinosaur look. On the other hand, I would pay good money to watch a movie where Godzilla battled the Predator.
300 – Old Leonidas never goes into battle without his protective groin cup, strap on sword and skeewiff eyes.
The Mummy – The giant mummy face is actually quite close to the original but what I really like about this poster is the camp, screaming, floppy haired O’Connell.
Elektra – To be honest maybe that is a good likeness of Jennifer Garner. I’m joking of course!
Enter the Dragon – There is a whole lot of finger pointing going on in this poster. I can see a suprised Michael Myers Mask behind and Bruce Lee, who is either singing or looking very surprised. Maybe he has seen that his ear is now a mouth!
Ghost Ship – I don’t remember much about this move, but I’m pretty sure none of this happened, especially the hoop earring wearing 80s’ vampire!
Sleepy Hollow – The Headless Horseman gets all kinky wearing a PVC outfit and showing off them breasts! Obviously, now he only kills blonde people as well?!
Ewoks the Battle for Endor – I don’t really remember this movie, but the Ewoks now look creepy as f*#k, and I’m sure that there was no evil looking fish with legs in it!
Dracula – It’s a shame that Dracula didn’t actually have a wolf face with wolf ears, who could transform into limp wristed Two-Face Harvey Dent from Batman. And what is with the explosion in the right corner?
Cujo – Looking more like a poster for Lassie (sporting the body of a horse and a lazy eye too!) than Cujo. I don’t know why they switched the dog to this soft looking spaniel.
Poltergeist 2 – Oh yeah, what I really remember about this movie is the vampires, goblins and giant demon chainsaw. Utter bulls#*t*!
Alien – WTF!?
Cobra – I’m ony guessing this is Cobra, but for some reason the title of this movie has been renamed to the more powerful, but s#*t ‘Hard Men’.
Mission Impossible – Tom Cruise suffering from small face syndrome and the guy at the bottom riding a googly-eyed hover motorbike.
Gladiator – Poor Russell Crow’s face is looking a lot less symmetrical than normal, has he doffs his jockey hat to the crowd.
Hell Boy – With the title character completely being shunned from his own movie poster in favour of one of the bad guys.
A Nightmare on Elm Street – ‘Ssssshh! Don’t enter Freddie’s er…. winged cave of fire (okay, it’s supposed to be a pram!). The main character looks more comical than scary. The title now edited to just ‘A Nightmare’, maybe because they just couldn’t be bothered. The bottom Freddie using that old roper doper trick of pretending to go in with the claw, but comes in the other side with the axe instead. Sneaky!
Transporter – Obviously Transporter 2 was already out or the artist just knew this film was getting a sequel by putting ‘Transporter 1’. Watch out for Stathem’s exploding groin. Who’s leg is that in the bottom left?
Planet Terror – Looking like some kind of mental gun lovers p0rn flick.
The Spy Who Love
d Me – Everyone remembers the fish character in ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’, sorry ‘The Spy Who Love Me’, right? You know, the fish character in the film where Bond drives a white limousine submarine? Crazy!
Under Siege – A post-stroke Seagal who is out for ‘real life justice’!
Terminator 3 – Shooting aimlessly into the graveyard, Arnie’s terminator now working as a pallbearer battling ‘The Machines’.
Van Helsing – Watch out for Helsings ray of death! I can’t help noticing that Helsing looks a lot more like Karl Urban than Hugh Jackman! This poster is actually just as awful as the film!