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Home Alone: We Just Have Some Questions You Need to Answer

“Keep the change ya filthy animal!”

Home Alone is an absolute classic film. I’d consider that is is one of the best Christmas movies ever made and also one of the best family movies ever made too!

It’s a true comfort film that I’ve grown up with and it’s still is one of mine and now my kids favourite films.

The only problem watching the film back over the years when you are a lot older and a lot wiser you start to over analyze the whole plot and most certainly those gaping plot holes. It’s just the little things that kind of bug you and make you think that none of this would surely happen in real life.

I’m not talking about the obvious cartoon violence, where in reality the Wet Bandits would surely be killed or seriously hurt from the many traps Kevin sets around the house. I’m talking about the few simple things that the family could have done that would have solved everything within the first few hours of them forgetting poor old Kevin.

If the film was made today Kevin could have called or messaged his mum’s mobile phone and had an Uber pick him up and take him straight to the airport. The end!

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Anyway, Home Alone we still love you, but we just have some questions that need some answers, but unfortunately John Hughes, the writer and producer of the film has sadly passed on and Director Chris Columbus isn’t picking up his phone!

So let’s ask those questions…

Intruder Alarms

©️20th Century Fox | Report

The biggest thing that bothers me is… Why doesn’t the McCallister’s mansion or any the other houses on the street have intruder alarms fitted? The only line of defense these rich assholes seem to have are timed Christmas lights and locks which even the Wet Bandits have figured out.

Harry Posing as a Cop

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Why is the whole family not phased by a Harry disguised as a cop standing in the hallway all evening. Kevin’s middle brother is so unfazed by the presence of the cop that he even throws his bag down the stairs nearly hitting him because that’s how much this family give a damn about authority!

Surely Peter McCallister could have spared 5 minutes a lot earlier to ask him what he wants and get him the hell off the property as soon as possible. Maybe he was too busy hiding all his criminal paraphernalia because who knows what Peter McCallister does for a living to afford that $2+Million home and also pay for him and his brothers family to go to Paris for the holidays. Not to mention that he said “Am I under arrest or something?” When he first met him.

Uncle Frank is an Utter, Utter Asshole

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Why do they put up with this jerk? It was clearly not entirely Kevin’s fault that he knocked over the drinks in the kitchen it was the untouchable big brother Buzz who seems to get away with everything. So why is Peter McCallister letting his cheap ass brother Frank rant at his son like that? It’s very clear that Frank is one of the worst human beings on the planet. He’s a selfish angry man. He avoids paying for anything like the family holiday and even the pizza, which you would have thought he would have felt obliged to pay for after getting a free all expenses paid holiday to Europe. He he even steals the glasses on the plane and when they finally realise that they’ve left Kevin, Uncle Frank quips he also left his reading glasses too. What a prick!

The Airport

The air steward counted the family when they went through the terminal. She must have known that one was missing and why did she not say anything?

Negligent Parents

©️20th Century Fox | Report

No matter how much of a rush you are in you would not leave one of your children behind. These are the parents who assume an 8 year old can get himself up, get dressed, have breakfast, get in a minivan, follow a running family through a busy airport, board the plane and find his own seat in coach. Kevin couldn’t even pack his own suitcase! The parents then lord it up in first class while the kids are all in cheap seats.

“How could we forget him?” says Kate. “We didn’t forget, we just miscounted,” Peter replies. Because we obviously treat our kids in the same disdain way we treat our luggage! Even if you (mis)counted while leaving in the minivans, you would check again when you were at the airport and again when on the plane that your kids were all there safe and well. If you are this negligent you should not have children. Especially if this happens twice!

Try Phoning the House

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Early on in the movie we know that the tree branch falling cuts the power lines temporarily, and the engineer says it might take days to fix those phones. The airlines tried to phone home, but the lines were still out. Did the parents ever bother to phone home themselves once they landed? Why didn’t they keep trying? The dad apparently left messages with the Murphy’s who live on the same street, but for some reason they never bothered to retry their own phone number and leave a message. Aunt Leslie also tries to phone the neighbours, but says it’s nothing but answering machines, which means the neighbours aren’t in but the lines are definitely now working! Also why didn’t she leave messages on the neighbours machines? Okay, but get this… Kevin phones out and orders a pizza delivery so the line is definitely back on at some point.

Kevin, Phone the Police FFS

©️20th Century Fox | Report

… And if Kevin can phone for a pizza why didn’t he call the police himself days before the robbery was taking place or even just go to the police station?

Inept Wet Bandits

©️20th Century Fox | Report

How the hell did the wet bandits manage to burgle so many homes before they met their match and was so simply outwitted by an 8-year old in the McCallister’s house.

Other Family or Friends

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Have the McCallister’s not got any other family or friends that could just go around to the house? I’m sure all those rich folks aren’t jetting off to Paris too!

The ‘Can’t Be Bothered’ Police

©️20th Century Fox | Report

If a young child was reported missing possibly still at home on their own surely a Police officer would not knock on the door and when there is no answer say “There’s nobody here, tell them to count their kids again” and walk away from the house and leave it at. The mum should demand they kick the door in because he could be seriously injured or even dead!

Old Man Marley

©️20th Century Fox | Report

“I think I’ll just let this one play out a bit” – Old Man Marley. We know that old man was looking out for Kevin, but why didn’t he go to the police beforehand either?

Why Have the Hassle at Christmas

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Why the fuck would you want the hassle of hauling the family off to Paris for Christmas? The McCallisters have this unstoppable desire to f**k off for Christmas every year like they are terrified they will be attacked by a horde of Christmas vampires or something if they stay put.

Booby Traps

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Did the burglars trigger all the booby traps or were some left for his unsuspecting family to discover when they got home?

Reunited

©️20th Century Fox | Report

Finally the reunion. The family all get back around the same time except the Mum has had to endure John Candy for a while, trade her fake Rolex watch and she also set off a day earlier. Just to paraphrase the dad says “Hi Kev, Oh you’re still alive. Well done. Oh, you brought some milk? What a funny guy! Nice chat son. Nice chat!” He walks off. Your son has been on his own for a few days, he’s had a pretty traumatic experience and this is the best you can do?

The reunion that Old Man Marley has with his estranged son and family is much more poignant than the McCallisters being reunited with Kevin!

None of the family learnt anything!

And repeat the following year.

Merry Christmas ya’ filthy animals!

Written by Jay

A caffeine based life form. Current Editor-in-Chief here at Joyenergizer.

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