Jay
Since I’ve gotten older my tolerance to sit through a shitty film has definitely wained.
But how do I know if a film is going to be garbage? There are some obvious tell-tale signs such as ‘Does it star Adam Sandler?’
Here are some clues for you so you can make your decision before wasting 90 minutes of your life that you will never get back!
If you see a movie poster where none of the actors appear to be in the same room or photoshoot
If the cast and marketing team can’t even be bothered why should you?
Bogus quotes and star ratings
If the TV trailer or poster has to mention various quotes or star ratings a critic has given it when reviewing, you know the film is struggling to get people interested.
Trailers revealing too much
Trailers that feature the best scenes and only good bits from a movie. Why bother even watching it?
If the voiceover for the trailer says any of the following
- Starts with the phrase “This summer get ready for…”
- “Critics are calling it the best comedy of the year” (It’s 2 weeks into January)
- “From one of the producers that brought you Shrek 3 (or other crap animation)”
- “They’re back to save the day”
If the movie poster says any of the following…
- “It’s (famous movie) vs (famous movie)”
- “(Movie magazine) says 5 stars”
- Any out of context quotes from a review
The audiences opinions
If the TV tailor features people straight out of the theatre saying how brilliant the movie is then it also a big sign the film is flopping.
Those Hallmark Sunday afternoon movies
A movie usually about a career-focused woman who returns to her hometown for whatever reason and ends up falling in love with the “rude man” she falls out with at the convenience store .
If you see ‘A Michael Bay Film’ on the trailer
You can guarantee if Old Bay is involved with the film it’s going to suck big time!
A big giant beam of lightning or light shooting down from the sky features in the trailer
This seems to be a scene from every alien invasion movie since Independence Day and it just gets boring. Give this a rain check because you’ve probably seen the exact same film dozens of times.
When you see a DVD of an unknown film with a huge actors name on the front in a bargain discount shop
These are usually some of the actor’s first movies before they were famous and their role in the movie gets totally inflated even if it’s only a small role.
Reboots, remakes, and re-imagings
In the history of cinema, there are only a handful of movie remakes that are better than the original.
Stop rebooting stuff, especially if it was only made in the last 10 – 20 years.
No, we don’t need a gender or race swap version either, thank you!
This brings us to Disney live-action remakes
I’ve yet to see a Disney live-action movie that was as good as the animated version. In fact I’ve yet to see a Disney live-action remake that was any good at all!
If the main star of the movies name is bigger than the film title on the poster
When the whole world is under attack…
But only in America. If any scenes of any country appear they will be of the main landmark from the capital city being destroyed such as Big Ben, the Pyramids or the Eiffel Tower.
A biopic about somebody that nobody asked for
Just think of Julian Assange, Edward Snowden, Dick Cheney or Steve Jobs. The only biopic I want t see is one about Donald Trump revealing what an absolute c**t he really was!
If the film has the following actors in it. You know it’s going to be garbage!
- Adam Sandler and any of his friends – Kevin James, Rob Schneider, etc
- Steven Segal
- Melissa McCarthy
- Nicholas Cage (Post 2000)
- Bruce Willis (Post 90s)
- John Travolta (Post 90s)
- Seth Rogan (Oh joy, more stoner references)
- Tiffany Haddish
- Pauly Shore
- Tommy Wiseau
- James Belushi
- James Franco
- Kevin Costner
- Topher Grace
- Most WWE wrestlers
Any move with ‘Fast’ in the title
Enough said!
Recasts
When they re-cast one or all of the main characters by the time they get to the third film. Maybe due to budget cuts or the actors just can’t be bothered any more!
When the movie trailer seems to be promoting a famous song more than the movie
More than likely “Who let the dogs out” by Baha Men or “How you like me now?” by The Heavy.
Finally…
Any animated film that features an animal farting in the trailer
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